So you want to be a Ute fan? Congratulations.
Honestly, I can't say I blame you. Being a Utah fan is one of life's greatest pleasures, but before you get started, you're going to need to understand there's a simple playbook you need to follow. Some people are able to follow these instructions intuitively, but if you're not one of them this guide will clearly spell out the basics of being a part of Utah fandom.
Before you start, you'll need to understand that most of what you do as a Utah fan is reactionary. We'll learn about trolling and provoking BYU fans later. As a beginner all you'll need to do is watch what BYU fans do and react accordingly.
Here's what do when ...
1. BYU does something well:
We'll start with an easy one. There's one special hyphenated word that you can always throw around as a Utah fan: self-righteous. Don't worry about what it exactly means. If BYU fans are doing something, I can promise you, they're doing it in a self-righteous way and you shouldn't be shy about letting them know or yucking it up with your fellow fans.
Outside of being self-righteous, the only other acceptable explanation for why a BYU fan is doing something is that they are unable to think for themselves. Don't consider what their actual point or intent is or even if you might agree with it. If you can't classify BYU behavior as either being self-righteous or the behavior of a mindless drone, you're not trying hard enough to classify it.
2. BYU does something wrong:
Hey! It's your big chance! You know all those rules and standards those BYU people have? This is the time to throw them all back in their faces. Try to point out all the ways that they've failed to live up to those standards; lay the guilt on heavy by pointing out how they've let everyone else down; use the word hypocrite liberally; blur the lines between trying to do something and promising to do something; ignore that you spend a lot of time and energy mocking them for caring at all about standards at all (see #1).
Luckily as a Utah fan, you don't need to worry about representing anything or anyone. You see, the real genius of being a Utah fan is you'll never have to worry about double standards, because we don't have any standards to begin with.
3. BYU does something wrong and you're an active, LDS Utah Fan:
Oh, man. This is the best! You will need to ignore that you probably have made a special effort to separate BYU from the church. When BYU does something good, it has nothing to do with the church--it's just BYU sports. But when when BYU or BYU fans do something wrong you need to take big-time offense. Those embarrassing actions are blight on your church and need to be stopped. Make a big deal about this, like writing on your tithing slip that your money should not to go BYU sports, or mentioning it Elder's quorum. Make sure you say you think the church should drop BYU sports, but point out that it's only because you care about the church's image that you think so.
Finally, there are still no double standards, so as soon as the controversy blows over go back to coming up with insulting nicknames or finding any other possible way to mock the people that only represent your church when they do something wrong. Also, you don't need to worry about your actions ever reflecting in any way on the church. Everyone knows that throughout the rest of the country no one ever associates the Utah community with Mormons.
4. A BYU fan accuses you or other Utah fans of doing something wrong:
Two easy options for this one--deny or excuse. Is there unequivocal proof of what those lily-white BYU fans are accusing you or or friends of? Well, then they're probably making it up, or just lying about it. Start with that, but if by some chance it turns out they're able to immediately prove that they're not making up the accusation up, you'll have to find something a BYU fan has done that you can kind of compare it to.
Example: Let's say a BYU fan is complaining that their head got cut open by a beer can thrown into their section at RES. First, you deny that it happened. Say something like, "that didn't happen," or "you shouldnt exaggerate." If they happen to be able to show you the scar or a photo or something you might need to stop denying and start excusing. This is done by saying something like, "Oh yeah. Well, my sister got pushed at LES." Voila. Problem solved.
You will need to avoid discussing even the possibility that there might be a shred of guilt among Utah fans. Just keep beating that you-do-it-too drum until that BYU fan accepts that since everyone has done something wrong, no one can ever tell anyone else they what they've done is wrong (without being self-righteous, of course).
5. BYU loses:
Ha ha! Just like you said they would. After a BYU loss, their fans will probably eating their own a little. This is a great time for beginner trolling. Remind them how fast Utah is or how awesome they are in big games. Just keep up with the Salt Lake media and use whatever line they are pushing at the time. Be merciless and personal in your mocking. Remember there's a time when it's more important that they lost than you won; that time is always. Look to feed every doubt they may have about their team and create a few they don't have yet. Work as hard as you can to get BYU fans to define their team the way you see them. The more you can get them to start thinking like you, the more they will do your trolling for you down the road.
6. BYU wins.
Looks like it wasn't your day, but here's the deal: they probably cheated, or the refs cheated, or they got lucky. If you get tired of arguing that they're cheating cheaters who cheat all the time, maybe you can find something they said after that game that you can take offense at or whine about. Your offense will make a great distraction from the unfortunate outcome, maybe even a bigger story than the outcome. Ignore any metal gymnastics you may have to do to take offense at the statement. The important thing is manufacture enough outrage over the statement or action that fellow Utah fans can hold onto it as long as necessary. With enough whining, the distraction will tide us over until Utah manages to win another game. Once that happens we can all go back to the advice in #5, and along with the Salt Lake media can keep telling BYU fans how the honor code or whatever other excuse we can find is going to prevent them from ever winning anything. Ever.
Well, that should be enough to get you started. Best of luck and we'll get into the really complicated stuff later, like why we dress like pirates or what exactly the source of our foaming-at-the-mouth hatred is.
Norm Chow hired by UCLA
from http://www.sltrib.com/sports/ci_8042985
LOS ANGELES - UCLA quarterback and former BYU recruit Ben Olson was yet to speak with his new offensive coordinator, but driving from his San Fernando Valley home to Norm Chow's residence in Manhattan Beach for a personal flower delivery came to mind as a way to welcome him. It is the type of giddy sentiment flowing through UCLA's program after it announced Monday that Chow, one of college football's most respected offensive minds, accepted the offensive coordinator position.
"I'm thrilled to death to have the chance to work with Coach Chow,'' said Olson, who will compete with Patrick Cowan for the starting spot. "It's something that I've wanted for a while now and to finally have things work out, it's a huge blessing. I can't remember when I was this excited about football.''
New Bruins coach Rick Neuheisel has a formidable group of coordinators to recruit with, and to game plan with, in Chow and defensive coordinator DeWayne Walker. The oddity of the situation is Chow interviewed for UCLA's head coaching position, and Walker was a finalist, for the job Neuheisel landed.
"The three of us are going to be partners, partners on a startup company that has a huge, huge upside,'' Neuheisel said. "We're going to share and commiserate equally, and together. That's what I sold.''
LOS ANGELES - UCLA quarterback and former BYU recruit Ben Olson was yet to speak with his new offensive coordinator, but driving from his San Fernando Valley home to Norm Chow's residence in Manhattan Beach for a personal flower delivery came to mind as a way to welcome him. It is the type of giddy sentiment flowing through UCLA's program after it announced Monday that Chow, one of college football's most respected offensive minds, accepted the offensive coordinator position.
"I'm thrilled to death to have the chance to work with Coach Chow,'' said Olson, who will compete with Patrick Cowan for the starting spot. "It's something that I've wanted for a while now and to finally have things work out, it's a huge blessing. I can't remember when I was this excited about football.''
New Bruins coach Rick Neuheisel has a formidable group of coordinators to recruit with, and to game plan with, in Chow and defensive coordinator DeWayne Walker. The oddity of the situation is Chow interviewed for UCLA's head coaching position, and Walker was a finalist, for the job Neuheisel landed.
"The three of us are going to be partners, partners on a startup company that has a huge, huge upside,'' Neuheisel said. "We're going to share and commiserate equally, and together. That's what I sold.''
Northern Iowa, Boise State, Florida State -- Future Opponents
From byucougars.com:
Boise State-BYU Agree to Four-Year Series PROVO, Utah (January 14, 2007) -- Fresh off another 11-2 season and a No. 14 national ranking to finish the 2007 season, BYU athletic director Tom Holmoe announced an agreement has been finalized today to complete the 2008 non-conference schedule. The Cougars will open the season against Northern Iowa on Saturday, Aug. 30 in Provo. In addition, Holmoe announced BYU has agreed to a four-year series with Boise State, beginning 2012 in Boise.
"Given the short notice we had to find an opponent, we're excited to be able to bring such a highly respected program in for our season-opener ," Holmoe said. "Northern Iowa is a top-ranked program that has enjoyed a great deal of success over the past few seasons. It will be a competitive game, and there will be plenty for our fans to be excited about as Coach Mendenhall and his staff prepare our team for a run at the BCS next season."
Northern Iowa posted an impressive 12-1 record during the 2007 season, including a streak of 12 straight wins before falling to eventual national runner-up Delaware in the Championship Subdivision playoffs. The win streak included a win over Iowa State from the Big-12. The Panthers held the No. 1 ranking for six straight weeks during the season and finished ranked No. 4 in the Championship Subdivision. Northern Iowa completed an unblemished 7-0 record in the Gateway Conference and finished the first undefeated regular season in school history since 1960.
UNI head coach Mark Farley was named the 2007 Schutt Sports FCS Coach of the Year by American Football Monthly and received the Eddie Robinson Award, honoring the top head coach in the Championship Subdivision. Farley guided the Panthers to the first-ever perfect regular season (11-0) in the 23-year history of the Gateway Football Conference. In seven seasons as the Panthers' head coach, Farley has compiled a 63-25 record and led the Panthers to four Gateway titles (2001, 2003, 2005, 2007). His 2005 team tied for the league crown and advanced to the national championship game. In addition to playing Northern Iowa, the Cougars will travel to Washington on September 6, followed by a home contest against UCLA. BYU will round out its non-conference schedule on October 3 in Logan as the Cougars resume their in-state rivalry with Utah State.
"This is a well-balanced non-conference schedule that includes two Pac-10 opponents, an in-state rival and one of the premier teams at the Championship Subdivision level," BYU head coach Bronco Mendenhall said. "Our fans deserve a BCS-calibre football program. Under the current format for inclusion into a BCS game, this schedule gives us that opportunity."
Boise State-BYU Agree to Four-Year Series PROVO, Utah (January 14, 2007) -- Fresh off another 11-2 season and a No. 14 national ranking to finish the 2007 season, BYU athletic director Tom Holmoe announced an agreement has been finalized today to complete the 2008 non-conference schedule. The Cougars will open the season against Northern Iowa on Saturday, Aug. 30 in Provo. In addition, Holmoe announced BYU has agreed to a four-year series with Boise State, beginning 2012 in Boise.
"Given the short notice we had to find an opponent, we're excited to be able to bring such a highly respected program in for our season-opener ," Holmoe said. "Northern Iowa is a top-ranked program that has enjoyed a great deal of success over the past few seasons. It will be a competitive game, and there will be plenty for our fans to be excited about as Coach Mendenhall and his staff prepare our team for a run at the BCS next season."
Northern Iowa posted an impressive 12-1 record during the 2007 season, including a streak of 12 straight wins before falling to eventual national runner-up Delaware in the Championship Subdivision playoffs. The win streak included a win over Iowa State from the Big-12. The Panthers held the No. 1 ranking for six straight weeks during the season and finished ranked No. 4 in the Championship Subdivision. Northern Iowa completed an unblemished 7-0 record in the Gateway Conference and finished the first undefeated regular season in school history since 1960.
UNI head coach Mark Farley was named the 2007 Schutt Sports FCS Coach of the Year by American Football Monthly and received the Eddie Robinson Award, honoring the top head coach in the Championship Subdivision. Farley guided the Panthers to the first-ever perfect regular season (11-0) in the 23-year history of the Gateway Football Conference. In seven seasons as the Panthers' head coach, Farley has compiled a 63-25 record and led the Panthers to four Gateway titles (2001, 2003, 2005, 2007). His 2005 team tied for the league crown and advanced to the national championship game. In addition to playing Northern Iowa, the Cougars will travel to Washington on September 6, followed by a home contest against UCLA. BYU will round out its non-conference schedule on October 3 in Logan as the Cougars resume their in-state rivalry with Utah State.
"This is a well-balanced non-conference schedule that includes two Pac-10 opponents, an in-state rival and one of the premier teams at the Championship Subdivision level," BYU head coach Bronco Mendenhall said. "Our fans deserve a BCS-calibre football program. Under the current format for inclusion into a BCS game, this schedule gives us that opportunity."
Viva Las Vegas!
While BYU prepares to rematch UCLA in this years version of the Las Vegas bowl, there are many ties between the 2 schools to note, the first being most intriguing:
1) Rumors have surfaced on various web blogs that UCLA is interested in Bronco as their next head coach. Since the Bruins fired Karl Dorrell, they are seeking someone as a replacement, and Bronco--not surprisingly--is one candidate UCLA would like right now. While its nothing but a rumor right now & wishful thinking from UCLA donors, don't be surprised if Bronco's name appears elsewhere for another vacancy. The chance of him leaving is very unlikely, given his unique coaching approach and family roots, but $$ has a way to be very convincing!
2) UCLA interm heach coach DeWayne Walker used to be an assitant head coach at BYU. Walker has also interviewed for the UCLA opening.
3) Ex-long time BYU assistant Norm Chow has also (apparantly) been involved with the UCLA opportunity. Chow is now the offensive coordinator for the Tennesee Titans.
4) Oh, and lets not forget our good friend Ben(edict) Olson! Highest recruited QB from a few years ago spent his freshman year at BYU, but then transfered to UCLA after his mission to Canada. Since the Las Vegas game will most likely be 85% BYU fans, don't be surprised to hear roaring BOOOOO's from the stands when his name is announced!
Here is a cool video recapping some of the highlights from this years BYU squad. It has been told that Bronco showed the team the movie "300" for a team activity one night last summer during 2-a-day training. This video mirrors that epic battle with this years dominating football team. Check it out:
1) Rumors have surfaced on various web blogs that UCLA is interested in Bronco as their next head coach. Since the Bruins fired Karl Dorrell, they are seeking someone as a replacement, and Bronco--not surprisingly--is one candidate UCLA would like right now. While its nothing but a rumor right now & wishful thinking from UCLA donors, don't be surprised if Bronco's name appears elsewhere for another vacancy. The chance of him leaving is very unlikely, given his unique coaching approach and family roots, but $$ has a way to be very convincing!
2) UCLA interm heach coach DeWayne Walker used to be an assitant head coach at BYU. Walker has also interviewed for the UCLA opening.
3) Ex-long time BYU assistant Norm Chow has also (apparantly) been involved with the UCLA opportunity. Chow is now the offensive coordinator for the Tennesee Titans.
4) Oh, and lets not forget our good friend Ben(edict) Olson! Highest recruited QB from a few years ago spent his freshman year at BYU, but then transfered to UCLA after his mission to Canada. Since the Las Vegas game will most likely be 85% BYU fans, don't be surprised to hear roaring BOOOOO's from the stands when his name is announced!
Here is a cool video recapping some of the highlights from this years BYU squad. It has been told that Bronco showed the team the movie "300" for a team activity one night last summer during 2-a-day training. This video mirrors that epic battle with this years dominating football team. Check it out:
BYU in the BCS -- There is still a chance!
While the Las Vegas bowl seems the most likely scenario for BYU at this point, BYU could find itself bowling with the big boys this holiday season.
During a teleconference this past Tuesday, the BCS announced 18 potential teams still in contention for a Bowl Championship Series game. BYU was 1 of the 18 teams announced. Now, at this point it is a long shot, but crazier things have happened this year (i.e. Appalachian State). BYU is only guaranteed a BCS berth if they end up ranked in the top 12. They would also be in contention IF their final ranking is better than 16, and higher than the champion from a BCS conference. The Cougars are currently ranked #19.
For an at-large selection, BYU need 9 wins and ranked in the top 14. If fewer than 10 teams in the top 14 are eligible, the at-large pool will be expanded to the top 18 in the BCS rankings.
Imagine if this were to happen this Saturday…
UCLA beats USC
Arizona beats ASU
UCLA is Pac-10 champ (according to their tie-breaker method)
BYU pounds SDSU, and slips into the top 16 in the BCS and is ranked ahead of Pac-10 champ UCLA.
BYU takes UCLA’s spot in the Rose Bowl.
Again, it’s a long-shot, but definitely possible! We might need other help as well (Hawaii loss to WA, OSU beating Oregon), but either way who would of thought a 2 loss non-BCS school had a shot at this point in time? So, let’s not only cheer hard for our Cougars this weekend, but GO Bruins! And GO Wildcats!
During a teleconference this past Tuesday, the BCS announced 18 potential teams still in contention for a Bowl Championship Series game. BYU was 1 of the 18 teams announced. Now, at this point it is a long shot, but crazier things have happened this year (i.e. Appalachian State). BYU is only guaranteed a BCS berth if they end up ranked in the top 12. They would also be in contention IF their final ranking is better than 16, and higher than the champion from a BCS conference. The Cougars are currently ranked #19.
For an at-large selection, BYU need 9 wins and ranked in the top 14. If fewer than 10 teams in the top 14 are eligible, the at-large pool will be expanded to the top 18 in the BCS rankings.
Imagine if this were to happen this Saturday…
UCLA beats USC
Arizona beats ASU
UCLA is Pac-10 champ (according to their tie-breaker method)
BYU pounds SDSU, and slips into the top 16 in the BCS and is ranked ahead of Pac-10 champ UCLA.
BYU takes UCLA’s spot in the Rose Bowl.
Again, it’s a long-shot, but definitely possible! We might need other help as well (Hawaii loss to WA, OSU beating Oregon), but either way who would of thought a 2 loss non-BCS school had a shot at this point in time? So, let’s not only cheer hard for our Cougars this weekend, but GO Bruins! And GO Wildcats!
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